#( i am powerless to stop him 😔

[misc-muses]

"My ex-wife still calls me..."

"...every name under the sun!"

[onetimetwotimesthreetimess]

Hello! Oh my fuck, chapter 5 was a WILD ride….

The tenderness of Alec looking after Magnus when he’s sick.

The fact that Magnus is so used to having to look after himself that Alec caring for him makes him realise it’s okay to be sick. The fact that he never got that type of love and care growing up so he had to create it for himself. Very 😔

“Your cuddles were a little meh today.”

Yeah I think this is such an appropriate measure of a person’s general level of wellness lol. I’m so happy that Alec can cheer Magnus up even when he is sick and make things feel so much lighter.

People didn’t realise it, but hiding took away parts of your soul. It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t a coward’s move. It took more strength and bravery than being in the fucking military took.

My heart goes out to all the people who can’t love as they desire because of idiots who can’t accept people as they are. Just such a lonely world for some people and it fucking sucks. We are better than this.

That Alec and Andrew bonding moment over their partners.

Thank fuck for this! I’m glad Alec has Andrew to talk to about Magnus and just the parts of himself that he normally has to hide. I’m glad that he’s not completely alone and has the support he needs when he’s so far away from his true home (Magnus obviously)

“Everything you wear feels like a personal attack on my sanity.”

The fucking body chains!! We stan, we fucking stan babe. Always support more of this, very here for Alec losing control for Magnus. I kinda got whiplash here cause I was still digesting the chains and the angst of Alec leaving hit me square in the chest. He really picked the worst time to tell him I swear. I mean at the same time he had been doing that all week so..?

"I'm not allowed to be mad at you, Alec."

I hate how we as humans do this to ourselves, torture ourselves for feeling certain emotions. All of our emotions are valid, regardless of the reason. We are allowed to feel them and not feel shame for them. How we are on them is a complete different story. Their situation is so complex that Magnus is allowed to feel angry, it’s just what he does with that anger that matters. People who don’t know their circumstances can say what they want but it’s just hard for them to have their happiness and feel hopeful about stuff that is very much being ripped away from them.

Magnus crying in the bathroom.

No stop this is so sad. How many times has it had to console himself and be his own emotional support without Alec? He’s doing his best and it just sucks ahhhhh.

“Sometimes, yes. Sometimes I feel like I’m only a small part of your life, when you’re my entire life.”

I’m so happy that Magnus spoke up and told Alec how he feels. It’s not easy to be this vulnerable and let a person know how much they mean to your life. It’s hard because so much is out of Alec’s control and he can’t always put Magnus first, he can’t always guarantee things. The unknown is just so scary for them because all they have is right now.

Okay those videos!

We know that Magnus was watching #5 on repeat alllllll night! Thank fuck for Andrew for filming those Grammy reaction ones! Something for Magnus to look back on and remember that Alec loves him. Something to calm him and make him feel at peace when he is lonely and just wants his Alexander.

A: Breathe, baby, breathe. You are going to win this.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Alec’s night terrors + attack

Just….fuck. What do you even say? How do you even understand the pain and shame and guilt and fear? This is the thing with the military, the fight does not end on the battlefield, it exists within you in every memory you have, every feeling you contain and everything that brings you back to your time fighting. I don’t know much about being in the army but I know a bit about PTSD and just how powerless you can feel. I am so glad Alec had Jace at the hospital with him because just dealing with all that alone would have been so overwhelming (especially the nurses stopping him from getting to Magnus)

These are the hands that hurt Magnus, he thought.

I lost it at this one because we literally went from Alec using his hands to heal, to care for and to hold. Now his hands have become a weapon, the very thing that brought pain to the one person he loves the most.

—

So yeah I just had a long cold glass of water and now I’m just staring into an unknown existence trying to process the pain omg. How you do this? Just amazing. So so excited for next weekkkk!!! Hope you had a good bday weekend 🙌🏼

Also I saw that chapter count increase 😬

Okay I love hearing your thoughts and analysis

Only Magnus can get sick and go all “I liked being sick”. He’s an idiot like that.

Writing that accident was kind of hard tbh. You’re going to see how Magnus reacts to the whole thing and how malec deals with it now. This was supposed to be a longer chapter where his recovery was also included but I ended up splitting the chapter into two. I wanted to address Magnus’s trauma properly. I didn’t want this storyline just to be for angst sakes. And shits going to be extremely hard for Alec too.

Also yes ma’am- not a lot of people noticed this but you’re a smart cookie. The juxtaposition of Alec tending to Magnus in the first scene and then what happened in the last scene.

Yes, I had a great birthday weekend. I drank, got high, wrote angst>>>>>

Thank you. Take care 🌸